Little Hodaiki

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up:
‘Patrick Henry, 1775’, he said.

‘Very good!’

Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.

‘Excellent!’ said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit more difficult…’
Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’

Once again, Hodaiki’s was the only hand in the air and he said:
‘John F. Kennedy, 1961’.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, little Hodaiki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,’

‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glared around and asks, ‘All right! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodaiki said, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yelled, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice:

‘Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re f**ked!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.
And thanks for the memories.
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.

ON TURNING 70
‘I still chase women, but only downhill’.

ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.

ON GOLF
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’

ON PRESIDENTS
‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance, Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

Give me a sense of humor;
Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humour out of life,

Physical Examination

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:

‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 6 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers’.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!’

‘No,’ I replied, ‘I’m just a shit golfer.’