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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord
said,

‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching
the bottom of the Pacific; and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such
worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that
could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord,
I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how
she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s
wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can
make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four lanes on that
bridge?’

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. ‘Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, ‘Any idea where we are?’
Mick replied, ‘I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.’

‘These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.’
» Sam Snead

‘A hungry dog hunts best.’
» Lee Trevino

‘You can talk to a fade but a hook won’t listen.’
» Lee Trevino

‘I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.’
» George Brett

‘Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.’
» Jim Murray

‘The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.’
» Mickey Mantle

‘Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.’
» Kevin Costner

‘I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.’
» Chi Chi Rodriguez

‘After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.’
» Chi Chi Rodriguez

‘The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.’
» Byran Weiss

‘Swing hard in case you hit it.’
» Dan Marino

‘My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.’
» Lord Robertson

‘Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.’
» Jack Benny

‘There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.’
» Ben Hogan

‘Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best.’
» Jack Nicklaus

‘The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.’
» H G Wells

‘I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.’
» Billy Graham

‘If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.’
» Bob Hope

‘While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.’
» Henny Youngman

‘If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.’
» Jack Lemmon

‘You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.’
» Lee Trevino

‘I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.’
» Lee Trevino