Golf news for portugal and spain
golf courses, golf resorts and golf holidays

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re-run of great ‘one liner’s’ from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more. . . RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back..

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested the kitchen..

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair..

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, ‘In the lake.’..

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off..

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late
for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’..

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her
first name was ‘Always’..

12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt her..

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’
I said, ‘Dust!’..

Can’t you just hear him say all of these?
I love it……..these were the good old days when humor didn’t have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words…

‘God Bless’ with a big smile on his face.

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. ‘Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, ‘Any idea where we are?’
Mick replied, ‘I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.’

‘These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.’
» Sam Snead

‘A hungry dog hunts best.’
» Lee Trevino

‘You can talk to a fade but a hook won’t listen.’
» Lee Trevino

‘I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.’
» George Brett

‘Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.’
» Jim Murray

‘The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.’
» Mickey Mantle

‘Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.’
» Kevin Costner

‘I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.’
» Chi Chi Rodriguez

‘After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.’
» Chi Chi Rodriguez

‘The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.’
» Byran Weiss

‘Swing hard in case you hit it.’
» Dan Marino

‘My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.’
» Lord Robertson

‘Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.’
» Jack Benny

‘There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.’
» Ben Hogan

‘Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best.’
» Jack Nicklaus

‘The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law.’
» H G Wells

‘I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.’
» Billy Graham

‘If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.’
» Bob Hope

‘While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.’
» Henny Youngman

‘If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.’
» Jack Lemmon

‘You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.’
» Lee Trevino

‘I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.’
» Lee Trevino