A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?’
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ‘ Give the ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?’
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ‘Give the ballerina another drink!’
The bartender approached the little drunk and said ‘Tell me, Paddy, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’
The drunk replied, ‘Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!’
Funny
Only a true golfer will understand these
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt…..For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 5 meters away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
One of my personal favourites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It’s easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are….that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don’t get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery!!!!
Only a Golfer Would Understand
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart
attack!!!
‘Help me dear,’ she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 999/911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and
lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. ‘I’m dying here and you’re
putting?’
‘Don’t worry dear,’ says the husband calmly, ‘they found a doctor on the second hole and
he’s coming to help you.’
‘Well, how long will it take for him to get here,’ she asks feebly?
‘No time at all,’ says her husband. ‘Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.’
************************************
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, ‘You are spectacular, your name is synonymous
with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?’
Michelson replied, ‘The holes are numbered’
**************************************
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, ‘What are
you going to use on this hole my son?’
The young man says, ‘An 8-iron, father. How about you?’
The priest says, ‘I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray. ‘
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron
and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, ‘I don’t know about you father but in my church, when we pray, we
keep our head down.’
***********************************
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over
a lifeless man.
The detective asks, ‘Ma’am, is that your husband?’
‘Yes’ says the woman.
‘Did you hit him with that golf club?’
‘Yes, yes, I did……..’ The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her
face.
‘How many times did you hit him?’
‘I don’t know….. five.. six… maybe seven times… just put me down for a five.’
**********************************
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump
of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit
through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, ‘Are you a good golfer?’
The man replied: ‘Got here in two, didn’t I?’
**********************************
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was
standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: ‘What are your golf clubs doing here?’
He looked her right in the eye and said, ‘This isn’t going to take all day, is it?’
